Musings on Death.

21May08

Death has always been hard for me. I assume it has been for many before me, every time I heard someone died, I would immediately vomit and be overwhelmed with grief, despite the fact that I usually barely knew the deceased.

A couple of years working on the oncology floor taught me a lot. Death, in and of itself, is not a bad thing, it’s simply the end of a cycle. I guess it’s easier to accept that fact when it seems like the cycle is complete, but when do we ever know? In some cases it is crystal clear that something has gone horribly wrong, but really, where is that little clock on my forehead that says “by the way, you have only a few years left until you go into mass organ failure because of lethal doses of caffeine”.

And all of that got me thinking, if I were to die today, would I be happy with the course my life had taken? Truthfully, I have spent the majority of my life working towards one central goal, as denoted by the blog title, caring for those people who would come to me in their absolute time of need. But what if like so many others, my life was cut short.

Ideally, we would all be given ample time to complete our goals, but what would my life be worth if I never got that MD?

Its a stark thought, it kinda makes me nauseous, the culmination of my life could bubble down to a pile of thick text books on my floor, a few shopping trips with friends that I know only because of the classes I have spent so long working on and a few doctors that may or may not remember that inquisitive little girl who cant seem to keep up, no matter how fast she runs.

You would think that someone who sees lives on the brink of demolition on a daily basis, would value every minute. But I think we tend to look into the blur that is our work environment, and see something as simple as work, when in all reality, it is the ending, and beginning on the most wondrous thing ever in existence. Maybe the sheer magnitude of the idea is the very thing that makes us so numb to it.

I would love to think that if this little flicker of life was to suddenly disappear, that people would remember me as an someone who would do anything to comfort a stranger, be it a few tylenol, a listening ear or even a silent prayer.

Filed under: Lessons Learned, Medicine, Things you don't learn in school   |  Leave a Comment